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The Allusionist

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A PODCAST ABOUT LANGUAGE
BY HELEN ZALTZMAN

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The Allusionist

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Allusionist 224. Cosmic Hairball transcript

February 9, 2026 The Allusionist
a boggle set spelling out the words 'cosmic hairball'

The English language took all this linguistic inspiration from space, but it wasn’t an equal exchange, because what we gave back, the language we put onto space, is not really doing the best job at putting the sublime into words. 

A lot of it just seems to be looking around the house and thinking, “Oh, this thing looks a bit like that thing in space, let’s give it the same name – good enough!”

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In transcript Tags lexicon, etymology, society, culture, words, language, space, celestial, sky, heavens, planets, stars, celebrity, stardom, ill-starred, atmosphere, astronomy, astrology, month, moon, menstruation, moonstruck, health, mental health, lunar, Norse mythology, Jupiter, Jove, Saturn, aether, volcanoes, Ancient Greece, gods, deities, wine, symposiarch, omens, weather, meteorology, meteoroids, iron, milk, comet, crater, depression, disaster, eccentric, ether, galaxy, jovial, meniscus, meteor, meteorite, Milky Way, nadir, orbit, saturnine, starstruck, symposium, zenith, scuncheon, scrunchions

Allusionist 206. Bonus 2024 transcript

December 22, 2024 The Allusionist
a Boggle grid spelling out Bonus 2024, the numbers are in mismatched dice, one of which has a dinosaur skeleton next to the number

This is the Allusionist, in which I, Helen Zaltzman, have been stashing away special Allusiobits all year, when the people who appeared on the show said interesting things that I couldn’t fit into their episode because there wasn’t room or it was not about language - waiting, just waiting, for this, the annual Bonus episode! This year we’ve got something called the ‘universal blank’, which actually does not refer to my emotions; we’ve got tricorn hats, poets with migraines, and why Boston cream pie isn’t a pie. And so much more. 

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In transcript Tags history, etymology, bonus, bonus episode, Joanna Kopaczyk, William Dunbar, flyting, poetry, poems, headaches, migraine, Juliana Pache, Black Crossword, crosswords, puzzles, Ben Zimmer, spelling bee, Scripps National Spelling Bee, homophones, letters, alphabet, pronunciation, Stacey Mei Yan Fong, names, pies, USA, America, American, cakes, Boston cream pie, Massachussetts, AJ Jacobs, framing, parmesan, vomit, -nyms, retronyms, capitalnyms, forks, elastic, tricorn hat, US constitution, battle reeactments, historical costume, hats, cloves, Zazie Todd, animal psychology, dogs, cats, companion animals, renaming, training, Caroline Crampton, Susan Sontag, battle, illness, suggestion, health, cancer, bodies, metaphor, anti-fat, placebo, nocebo, medicine, medical, pharmaceutical, riddles, Old English, monks, onion, bine

Allusionist 191 Hypochondria - transcript

March 23, 2024 The Allusionist

CAROLINE CRAMPTON: A lot of the theoretical material that I'd read about hypochondria very much positioned it in this binary situation that either someone has, quote, real illness, i.e. illness that you can detect with a scan or a blood test or some other diagnostic tool, or "It's all in their head and it's made up," and those are the only two ways it can be. But, just personally, I feel like I'm pretty much constantly experiencing some combination of the two. And I think the idea that there is unwarranted fear: I don't think there is any such thing as unwarranted fear, to be honest. 

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In transcript Tags etymology, vocabulary, history, Caroline Crampton, hypochondria, hypochondriac, hypochondrium, bodies, medical, medicine, health, anxiety, health anxiety, mental health, psychology, depression, melancholy, science, doctors, treatment, Four Humors, humoral theory, humorism, bile, hysteria, Cicero, Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, Emma, Sanditon, literature, cures, wellness, quacks, class, panaceas, DSM-5, diagnosis, Somatic Symptom Disorder, Illness Anxiety Disorder, uncertainty, cancer, spleen, liver, gut, abdomen, uterus, womb, edaphic, four humors, four humours, humors, humours

Allusionist 177 Fat part 2 transcript

May 25, 2023 The Allusionist

AUBREY GORDON: Our anti-fatness became a way to sublimate all of the sort of latent racism, classism, ableism, all of that kind of stuff, and just pin it on folks who we could convince ourselves, quote unquote, “did it to themselves” and therefore deserve whatever's coming to them. Which is sort of the attitude toward fat people: “If you really didn't wanna be treated this way, you'd just lose weight,” without any real recognition of what it takes to lose weight. Have you seen people diet? Have you dieted? If you have, you know it is not a straight line. 


I think the other thing that feels really tricky about all of this is, aside from surgical methods - and even within some surgical methods - we do not know, scientifically, reliably, how to make fat people thin in the long term. And many physicians know that. Many insurers know that. And yet still the instruction is when you encounter a fat patient, you are in dereliction of duty if you don't tell that person that they're fat and they need to lose weight.

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In transcript Tags fat, fatness, anti-fat bias, anti-fatness, fatphobia, Aubrey Gordon, Maintenance Phase, bodies, body, size, overweight, obese, obesity, medical, medicine, doctors, health, healthism, euphemisms, voluptuous, weight, weight gain, weight loss, dieting, diets, diet culture, rotund, infinifat, super fat, mollig, Robert Crawford, disability, ableism, obesity paradox, Valley of the Dolls, tret, German

Allusionist 176 Fat part 1 transcript

May 12, 2023 The Allusionist

AUBREY GORDON: The words that always bothered me considerably more than ‘fat’ are the many, many, many euphemisms that people who aren't fat come up with to supplant fat. 
HZ: ‘Curvy’. My chins are.
AUBREY GORDON: Totally. I'm like, “I have one curve, guys! I'm just like an egg shape.”

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In transcript Tags etymology, words, language, society & culture, history, fat, fatness, anti-fat bias, anti-fatness, fatphobia, Aubrey Gordon, Maintenance Phase, bodies, body, overweight, bias, obese, obesity, WHO, World Health Organisation, chairs, medical, medicine, health, Donald Trump, figurant, portly, stocky, stout

Allusionist 149 Complex PTSD transcript

February 18, 2022 The Allusionist

STEPHANIE FOO: I was diagnosed with complex PTSD in 2018. And I had never heard of complex PTSD before. I Googled it; it sounded very serious and very scary.
HZ: And was it very serious and very scary?
STEPHANIE FOO: I mean, yes! I think it is very serious and very scary. I

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In transcript Tags words, language, linguistics, education, comedy, entertainment, society & culture, arts, literature, etymology, lexicon, vocabulary, Helen Zaltzman, history, Stephanie Foo, psychology, mental health, health, psychoanalysis, trauma, resilience, endurance, PTSD, C-PTSD, complex PTSD, self-care, self-soothing, war, military, shell shock, triggers, nostalgia, lactometer

Allusionist 145 Parents transcript

November 8, 2021 The Allusionist

FREDDY McCONNELL: A lot of the time when you hear about trans and non binary inclusion in pregnancy care, the idea is that all of this inclusive stuff is additive. It's not meant to replace language that works for the vast majority of people who are pregnant, which are cis women; it's just this is the language you use if and when you do encounter someone who's trans.

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In transcript Tags words, language, linguistics, education, comedy, entertainment, society & culture, arts, literature, etymology, lexicon, vocabulary, history, Freddy McConnell, CJ, pregnancy, parents, parenthood, gestation, prenatal, birth, children, child, babies, mother, father, mum, dad, bodies, medical, male, female, nonbinary, trans, cis, LGBTQIA, gender, sex, health, NHS, healthcare, fertility, Britain, England, UK, law, legal, government, parliament, High Court, birth certificate, period products, milk, chest-feeding, breast-feeding, surrogacy, surrogates, adoption, semantics, misogyny, seahorses, comedo

Allusionist 82 A Novel Remedy transcript

August 13, 2018 The Allusionist
A82 logo A Novel Remedy.jpg

When you’re not feeling well, which books do you turn to to make yourself feel better?

I asked this question on the Allusionist Facebook and Twitter, and hundreds of you responded, but a few answers came up again and again:
Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams, JRR Tolkien.
Makes sense. Science fiction, fantasy: what’s more escapist?
Jane Austen. PG Wodehouse.
Also escapist, thanks to period setting - and, rich people problems not health problems.
Things you read when you were a child: Moomins, What Katy Did, Anne of Green Gables…
Taking you back to a time in your life that perhaps felt safer, or simpler...
...Harry Potter.
Boarding school shenanigans! Wizard problems not real life problems!
And, Agatha Christie.
Poison! Gunshots! Stabbing! Hang on, why would stories about murder make us feel better?

Well, they’re kind of supposed to make you feel better.

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In transcript Tags words, language, linguistics, education, comedy, entertainment, society & culture, psychology, OCD, mental health, books, fiction, audiobooks, novels, reading, amusement, distraction, wellness, illness, health, psychological, history, writers, authors, detectives, PI, sleuths, WW1, WW2, World War One, First World War, Second World War, World War Two, PTSD, trauma, personal, sickness, hospital, cortisol, childhood, kids, children, escape, escapism, nostalgia, Agatha Christie, mysteries, murder mystery, Hercule Poirot, crime, Miss Marple, Dorothy Sayers, Ngaio Marsh, Margery Allingham, James Bond, Ian Fleming, Harry Potter, JK Rowling, science fiction, fantasy, Alison Light, literature of convalescence, convalescents, convalescence, jougs, Helen Zaltzman, Jane Gregory, Guy Cuthbertson

Allusionist 74. Take A Swear Pill - transcript

March 9, 2018 The Allusionist
A74 swear pill logo.png

HZ: So why is swearing good for you?
EMMA BYRNE: It's good for us socially, in that it is this really useful telegraph of our emotions; it's a good way of avoiding physical conflict. It's also a really good way of bonding, of saying "I hear you. I feel the strength of your emotions," like saying "Fuck that shit" when someone comes to you with something that's obviously upset them. Sometimes it needs to be something stronger than just putting your arm around their shoulder going, "Oh there, there". It's also really useful individually, both for a cathartic side of things when you do something painful or frustrating, letting it out there.

HZ: Another reason swearing is good for you: it relieves pain.

EMMA BYRNE: That is really potent and surprisingly well documented. When you stick your hands, for example, in freezing cold water, you can stand it for about half as long again if you’re using a single swear word than if you're using a single neutral word. Not only that: when afterwards you're asked about how painful that experience felt, you report that cold water as feeling much milder than the water that you had your hand in while you were using some neutral word. So we know that it's really handy for dealing with pain that's being inflicted on you. We also know that it's quite useful, for example, among people who are suffering from long term conditions - so not pain that's been inflicted in a lab, the pain that is ongoing. So managing particularly the emotional aspects of long term pain, a good swear can be cathartic.

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In transcript Tags words, language, phrases, linguistics, neuroscience, neuropsychology, pain, analgesics, profanity, swearing, cold water test, swear words, swears, cusses, cursing, cuss, curse, Emma Byrne, Very Bad Words, Matt Fidler, science, emotional, emotions, brain, psychology, executive function, jokes, Phineas Gage, brain injuries, head injuries, health, chimpanzees, chimps, Washoe, behaviour, behavior, anthropology, manners, children, childhood, dementia, taboos, shame, social conditioning, defecation, excrement, sex, masturbation, body parts, experiments

Allusionist 58: Eclipse - transcript

June 16, 2017 The Allusionist

LAUREN MARKS: Words were everything in my life. It was all day, every day, on stage, off stage, on the page...
HZ: Let's go back to what happened.
LAUREN MARKS: Oh, sure.
HZ: How old were you?
LAUREN MARKS: I was 27. I was an actress and a director and a PhD student in New York. And there was absolutely no warning. I mean, I was actually performing on stage when it happened. I went onstage to perform a karaoke duet.
HZ: What was the song?
LAUREN MARKS: It was ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’.
HZ: Wrong organ.
LAUREN MARKS: I know… No, it's OK to laugh, because I just really am glad I didn't die doing that. So anyways, I was on stage, I was singing... I was up, singing the song... and then I was down.

I collapsed immediately, because it was not known to me at the time but an aneurysm had ruptured in my brain and it was hemorrhaging.

HZ: An aneurysm is a weakness in a blood vessel in the brain. It’s estimated that one in fifty people have such a weakness, but most will never even know about it - only around 1 in 25,000 aneurysms causes trouble.
As she later found out, Lauren Marks had two, and one of them was that 1 in 25,000. It ruptured, and she had a stroke.

Karaoke interrupted, Lauren was taken to hospital. When she woke up, she had undergone brain surgery; but something else had changed.

LAUREN MARKS: When I woke up in the Edinburgh hospital, I had very little language: speaking, reading, writing were all dramatically affected. I probably only had about 40 or 50 words at my disposal.

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In transcript Tags Eclipse, aneurysm, health, aphasia, Lauren Marks, brain, brain injuries, silence, Bonnie Tyler, karaoke
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Allusionist 233. Phobia
Allusionist 233. Phobia

'Phobia' gets used for anything from a mild aversion to a debilitating anxiety response to various forms of bigotry. Deboki Chakravarti and Sam Jones of the podcast Tiny Matters join to consider the term from its comedic origins with one of the founding fathers of the USA, via rabies and Greek deities, to its role in their lives today.

CONTENT NOTE: we’re not trying to stoke anyone’s phobias, but we do discuss some common phobia-inducers, including snakes, germs and small holes, and there’s a brief mention of tarantulas. There’s also talk about OCD and rabies.

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Allusionist 232. Vega
Allusionist 232. Vega

What do you call yourself if you're a part-time vegetarian? What petty linguistic things would you change? And what do you do if people gripe at you if you say that you are bi or pan? To answer these questions from the Allusionist mailbag are esteemed alumsionists: Hrishikesh Hirway and Samin Nosrat of Home Cooking podcast; academic and author Alex Ketchum; lexicographer Kory Stamper; and linguist Lauren Gawne of Lingthusiasm podcast.

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Tranquillusionist: cheesy cheesybobs
Tranquillusionist: cheesy cheesybobs

This is the Tranquillusionist, in which I, Helen Zaltzman, say a series of words to relax your mind, replace a hectic interior monologue, maybe lull you to sleep, hopefully quell the mental uproar just for a little while.

Today: nicknames for woodlice AKA rolypoly bugs AKA slaters AKA all these other things; and a list of cheeses from Great Britain and Ireland.

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78AF926C-7878-4567-A87F-13CFF415B647_1_105_c.jpeg
sorry lads, we're getting bad ads

TL;DR version:

  • For the show's financial survival (hopefully), over the next few weeks I'm having to switch on programmatic advertisements. This means, for the first time in the show's nearly 12-year existence, you may be subjected to ads that are not voiced, scripted and individually approved by me.

  • If you would prefer to listen to the show without ads in it, patreonise the show at the Gravy, Wedge or Check tiers, which include the perk of an ad-free RSS feed.

Click through to read the rest of the post about why I’m doing this thing I don’t want to do.

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Allusionist 231. Lingthusionist
Allusionist 231. Lingthusionist

“Linguistics and language is such a good mechanism for being curious,” says Lauren Gawne, linguistics prof, author of the book Gesture, and cohost of the podcast Lingthusiasm. I'm in vacation mode (although not on actual vacation alas), so today's episode is a fun chat with our nice pal about making language podcasts, the firey digestive punishments for linguistics researchers, working in reality television, and cute tame nouns versus scary intimidating verbs.

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Allusionist 230. Draculae part 4: Transformation
Allusionist 230. Draculae part 4: Transformation

Throughout the Draculae miniseries, about the Swedish and Icelandic translations of Dracula that played fast and loose with the original text, I've been wondering a couple of questions: why are cover versions of songs and remakes of films so normal and acceptable, whereas cover versions in book form cause such a stir? And do these Scandinavian Draculae count as fan fiction? And if not, why not? Fansplaining.com's Elizabeth Minkel explains what fan fiction can mean.

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Allusionist 229. Draculae part 3: Hunting Down the Count
Allusionist 229. Draculae part 3: Hunting Down the Count

Many mysteries accompany the revelations that Powers of Darkness, the Icelandic and Swedish versions of Dracula, are not direct translations of Bram Stoker's original, but stories that significantly differ in character names, plot and runtime. Like: did Bram Stoker write it himself, to publish some raunchy content that British censors would forbid? Was Powers of Darkness based on his early drafts? And did he really not copyright Dracula in the USA was that a deliberate ruse? Welllll... brace yourself for ole thrill-destroyer Zaltzman to pop your balloons of excitement.

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queer playlist
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Allusionist 228. Draculae part 2: Surprises in the Vaults
Allusionist 228. Draculae part 2: Surprises in the Vaults

Happy World Dracula Day to all who celebrate!

This is the second episode of the Draculae miniseries, about a literary mystery which came to me via a meme: “Someone translated Dracula into Icelandic, and it took over 100 years for anyone to point out he just made a fanfic rewrite of what he wanted the story to be.”

In Draculae part 2, Ásgeir Jónsson explains how he got that Icelandic adaptation of Dracula back into print, to little fanfare - but then Dutch scholar Hans Corneel de Roos set about making an English translation. Following that: like me, Will Trimble also got meme-struck, and that propelled him to get a translation of the Swedish version that begat the Icelandic one.

Before listening to this, check out the first episode of the Draculae miniseries explaining the three versions of Dracula: Dracula published by Bram Stoker in 1897; the Icelandic version Makt Myrkranna by newspaper editor Valdimar Ásmundsson, serialised in his newspaper Fyallkonan in 1900-1901; and the Swedish version Mörkrets makter by an author known only as A—e, and serialised in a couple of Swedish newspapers 1899-1900.

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Allusionist 227. Draculae part 1: Enter the Castle
Allusionist 227. Draculae part 1: Enter the Castle

A literary mystery came to me via a meme.

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Allusionist 226. Suburbia
Allusionist 226. Suburbia

"The word ‘suburbia’ sort of evokes a very fixed idea of a place that is identikit, that all suburbs are the same, that within the suburb everything is the same, that all people are the same, all experiences are the same," says social historian and author John Grindrod. "I think it has this kind of flattening-out facility, that word, that isn't true."

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Allusionist 225. Hues
Allusionist 225. Hues

You know what's an absolutely pesky kind of word to define in a dictionary? Colour names. A passel of lexicographers spent years - decades, even - trying different ways to describe colours in words for Webster's Third International Dictionary. It was such a huge, complicated effort that it took twelve years for former Merriam-Webster lexicographer Kory Stamper to write a book about it.

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Allusionist 224. Cosmic Hairball
Allusionist 224. Cosmic Hairball

Pack your oxygen tank, we're going up to space. There’s a lot of etymology up there.

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Allusionist 223. Bonus 2025
Allusionist 223. Bonus 2025
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Allusionist 222. A Christmas Carol
Allusionist 222. A Christmas Carol

Today, we read the novelisation of The Muppet Christmas Carol, also known as the 1843 festive lit hit A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens.

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The Allusionist by Helen Zaltzman is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.