This is the Tranquillusionist, in which I, Helen Zaltzman, say a load of words which aren’t really about anything so that your brain gets a little gentle diversion from thinking and/or feeling. This is not a regular episode of the Allusionist where you’re supposed to think and/or feel things. The Tranquillusionist is meant to be a bit dull, and maybe it’ll help you get to sleep or at least turn your existential screaming down to 11.

Today I shall be reading a list of gay animals.